Forgotten Shadows

I. Who I Am

I am 67 and live in the center of my country's second-largest city. From my small flat, you can see a garden, a park, and a busy marketplace stocked with produce, flowers, and seafood. Since 1987, I've chosen to live alone; it has proven beneficial in more ways than one — I can pursue two professions simultaneously because of it. Despite retiring from my job in business, I work as a sports coach and adjudicator. I'm an operational manager for my sports club and must show my leadership capabilities daily. I'm outspoken and strive for the success of our athletes, and I have been responsible for overseeing our country's motorsport world championship for the last two decades. The sport's intensity is appealing to me. If I were to switch sports, marksmanship would be my choice — my dad educated me about shooting guns when I was younger. Music and art also give me joy; I have a few pieces of modern artwork from famous creators hanging in my house. The pandemic has been a lesson for me, making me even more isolated. It's time to come out of my shell and take action.

II. What Happened

At 19, my first serious boyfriend beat me unconscious. This relationship was a typical tale of a young woman and a jealous man. I'd left home for college and tried to end the relationship, but he refused to accept it. He took me into the woods behind my house and assaulted me viciously. He beat me so hard that I passed out, and he tore apart my jewelry during the assault. I was alive and yet utterly isolated. My family had taken off to the summer cottage, as had I for my summer job. My ex-boyfriend's parents were the only people I could trust enough to speak with. I requested they ensure I would never see my abuser again, and they agreed.

III. What My Life Became

Later, my inner protection mechanism shut off my feelings and memories, leaving me numb and confused. A veil of forgetfulness, blessed mercy, had draped my consciousness. I said no whenever someone asked if I'd ever experienced violence. Deep down, I knew it was a lie. Ashamed and unable to talk about it, I covered my bruises with clothes and a scarf and put my hair in a bun to hide the bald spots. I made myself look presentable and tried to act like nothing had happened. During the day, I went to work alone in city planning; my colleagues had little interaction with me. I tried to live as a regular single lady, going out and having fun with acquaintances and attending student activities. But fear was a constant in my subconscious. My relationships failed; hurt and betrayal followed me everywhere. I dated partners that weren't good for me; I believed this was all I deserved from life, so why try? Love seemed an abstract concept — neither giving nor receiving it — and life never failed to disappoint. At some point, another man put me in a dire situation where the chance of accidental death was higher than I would have liked.

IV. What Changed

I CHOSE LIFE after I survived toxic relationships that could have been my death. It involved sacrificing social life and living in solitude, without friends or family. While I worked hard and trained myself to become stronger, I had a newfound drive to explore the world by myself. I received limb repair treatment to improve joint strength and muscular mobility, and to move internal organs back to where they belonged. It was an excruciating process, but it had to be done. The pain brought up long-lost memories hidden for years; those revelations made me realize I had lost something important. I regret not getting help sooner. I had always encouraged others to reach out and ask for professional help, yet I only took my own advice fifteen years later. Thinking it was too late, I had resigned myself to living with the same unhappiness forever. The thought of permitting someone else into my world made me apprehensive; I feared something disastrous might occur. The pandemic shook my world, forcing me into unexpected isolation. As a high-risk group member, I couldn't travel or continue with my previous jobs. Then someone I had known for 20 years invited me to join an international mastermind group. It was a lifesaver. I met Jean Dorff and The Empowering Story Program, which I joined to improve my life. I realized everyone needs help at some point, including myself.

V. Who I Am Now

Change is often an uncomfortable journey that I must take and embrace. I threw myself into experiences I never thought possible, risking the pain of failure to grow as a person. New restaurants, new people, unfamiliar places; each was a challenge worth taking on. I pushed my boundaries until they no longer felt like walls. I met my parents more often than before and learned to understand them in ways I had thought unimaginable. Now, I can be genuine and learn from others. I can't undo what has happened, but understanding my reactions better enables me to explain how I feel to others and move on from trying circumstances. I learned to create a journal to remember important things. I discovered a way out of my struggles and realized I was not alone. Even if you need help, you must take care of yourself and face your situation head-on. Early support leads to emotional healing. You should enjoy and appreciate life. Good things await those who seek.