Reborn in Rhythm

I. Who I Am

I have faced setbacks, but I persevere with willpower. I refused to give up and focused all my energy on finding a solution. The fight with my parents made me so mad I ran away — all the way to my grandparents' house, a mile away. It was a road we had driven on every Sunday since I was born, and I knew it well. My mom didn't think I'd go through with it, but I set off anyway. I was seven years old. When I was a kid, one of my favorite hobbies was pen-paling with friends. I had an impressive network of 12 pen pals at the peak of my hobby and counted every day until the mail truck arrived. They would fill the mailbox with scented letters containing exciting stories from across the globe. I read about my friends' experiences and wanted to share mine.

II. What Happened

When I was young, all four of us would huddle in my parents' bedroom for Friday night movie nights. We'd usually sleep there afterward. Dad would read us bedtime stories about thrilling adventures, or we'd talk about our future vacations together before we dozed off. Afterward, Dad would be in his leather armchair, beer and nuts in hand, and he finished more than one bottle. I was four years old when my father lay beside me and touched my skin strangely that night. It felt like he was caressing my genitals, but I didn't understand why. His touch stung and felt uncomfortable, yet I wanted nothing more than for it to end. Fear filled every inch of my body, threatening to swallow me whole, but I remained silent even though I desperately wanted to cry out. Once, I spent an overnight stay with my uncle and aunt, during which my uncle subjected me to the same abuse. I thought my dad would be proud of me for telling him. He reacted strangely, not wanting me to tell him anything — almost like he didn't acknowledge or confirm what I said.

III. What My Life Became

The memories remained, but I attempted to forget them as if the abuse was nonexistent. Even though I wanted it to be a distant memory so badly, I couldn't forget it. These thoughts lingered and sometimes overwhelmed me, despite my efforts of trying to move on. I was desperate to stay away from my home. To my friends, it seemed odd that I would rather hang out at their places than mine, but I had no choice. During the summer, I offered to house-sit for them or look after their pets while they were on vacation. Being in their empty and peaceful homes gave me solace, which was hard to find elsewhere. I even had a pen pal to whom I pretended I lived my dream life: popular in school, with a boyfriend. It was fun to pretend, but it got confusing. That night, I informed my mother I'd leave the next morning. Social services had finally gotten me an apartment where I could stay temporarily. I packed the necessities for survival. My studies were getting put aside. Those who knew nothing of the events talked about me among their peers. Meanwhile, a never-ending headache would make itself known. I never talked about my childhood experiences. Forgiveness was my choice, so I left things unchanged with my father and family. But this created a huge amount of stress. My only option was to pretend nothing ever happened while trying to shield everyone around me from it.

IV. What Changed

Falling head over heels for a guy in one of my classes was an event that changed my life drastically, both positively and negatively. One day, my boyfriend's mother called me. As a deacon in the Swedish church, she had received a call from the organization ATSUB. ATSUB allowed me to do things my way, even if it was unconventional. This ultimately had an incredibly powerful influence. I took part in a 2012 government inquiry where the Ombudsman for Children spoke with young people who experienced violence in relationships. We explained how we told adults through social institutions like schools and healthcare, but they didn't understand. The Ombudsman's suggestions, based on our reports, officially became part of Swedish law. I'm so proud that I contributed to the achievement. Then, suddenly, everything went dark. I depleted my energy, and I felt nothing inside me. The pain made it difficult to recover. I received counseling therapy, both one-on-one and in groups. It also aided in going through court proceedings to ensure my father received his punishment for what he did. My daughter played a tremendous role in my journey to recovery. Becoming pregnant gave my life meaning and purpose. It encouraged me to want more than remembering the past.

V. Who I Am Now

At 38, I'm finally where I'm supposed to be. A peace inside me confirms this. My husband, daughter, and I live in a loving home and strive for our dreams daily. Only now, with everything falling into place, do I understand the feeling I had since high school — that I would one day write my life story. I strive to be courageous, self-assured, sure of myself, and powerful. Most of all, I want to dance! Pole dancing is a fun way to meet like-minded people. Here in Sweden, it's considered a sport and is excellent for finding strength in a supportive community. Find your place and find supportive people! My journey has taught me that some things require patience and positivity. Cutting ties with my abuser is the best thing I've ever done, and that's what's in store for you, too. One step at a time, together with people who empower you, you will conquer life and live your life with passion.